I can't believe the night that I've had and it always seem like I get into some type of bullshit around the end of the year. Right now, I've finally calmed down and able to get into affirmative action with my life. I don't need for a clock to strike twelve on New Year's Eve to start making changes that I needed to make a long time ago. First off, I've made the decision to write this blog to not only give myself a stress reliever but for people to understand where I'm coming from. I'm actually writing in a complete high of Tylenol 3's and anxiety meds, so excuse me if this first entry of my blog seems jumbled up but right now, it's completely how I'm feeling right now. I'm starting to slowly become an adult, being eighteen is not too far away and surprisingly, the main thing I was excited about I'm not really up for anymore. I guess because I've decided to grow up fast and in reality, I wasn't ready for it. I wanted to be a big girl but in all reality, I just want to be the little girl before I was molested at 8. They say a lot of females go through it but it's all how you deal with it and for a while, I've been doing it all wrong.
I've did things that I know that I'm ashamed of in these past four years. I've slept with other people's husbands, partner, and babydaddies. I know it's plenty of females are out there looking for me right now and I'm just here to apologize for whoever's family or home I've wrecked in the process of me trying make myself feel better about how I was as a person. I'm not ashamed to say that my self-esteem was low and still is kind of down there but I'm working on making myself a better person. Some of these people I've hurt are close friends and people I hardly even know. I've never been on the other side to know how you feel completely but I just want to let you know that we get hurt as well. I don't want to sound like the victim but in all reality, I am. I've been taking advantage of every since I was eight years old. I never really wanted to talk about until now but I really wish that Kelvin Mondale Owens could burn in hell for what he did to me. He changed my life for ever and I could never TRULY forgive him for that. My mom blames herself at night and she's done absolutely wrong. She was naive just like I am now. I've been silent for the longest about and they say that you'll never heal until you talk about your past.
A couple of nights ago, I remember talking to this guy and we started to get physical until the point where I started to think about Kelvin and I had to stop everything that I was doing and asked him to leave. I remember crying my eyes out and thinking about what I was doing to myself. Half of the guys that I dealt with I didn't even like them sexually but because I've gotten so numb with sex. I just decided to let them do it anyways like a cum filled blow up doll. After sex, I feel dirty and worthless. When all I want to feel is love, someone to hold me and tell me that they love me and that I'm worth something. Sometimes around this time, I feel so damn suicidal and depressed that I just throw all of my work away and just waste my life but now this time, I'm gonna start loving me and taking care of me. I have other things to think about then other people's negativity. Sure, I might be the crazy bitch now but .. this crazy bitch is gonna be on her grind for 2012.
I'm gonna be starting a clothing line/modeling group called KUSH Life, meaning Keeping Unique Shxt-Style-Swag (whichever one you prefer ) Honorary. When looking for the name, a friend of mines told me that kush was arabic for happy. I didn't know if that was true or not at the time and still don't but that's what I want people to feel .. that how I want to feel. I'm still on that damn pursuit of happiness that Thomas Jefferson was talking about that everyone deserved and like Kid Cudi said, "I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good." and right now, that journey is starting now. Right now, I'm focused on school and KUSH Life and if love comes my way, then so be it .. but right now, I'm not looking for love. I'm just gonna let come and find me. Right now, I'm sitting high off this pill and it's causing my vision to get blurry. So, I'm gonna go lay down and let this pill take away this throbbing headache from me breaking down crying .. but I'm so damn tempted to play Angry Birds but either way, I'm gonna end this post. I hope you guys keep reading because I know that I'm gonna keep writing.
Live Life & Smoke Kush
